Everyday

Everyday when I go home I pause on the doorstep to my building and I closely examine the two huge flower pots on either side of the door. The pot on the right is full of different kinds of flowers with vibrant colors. Sadly, the flower pot on the left side of the door is just dirt. It’s not pretty and if it wasn’t for the sense of balance that it provides to the aesthetics of the building it would otherwise be worthless. At one time the pot of dirt was also overflowing with flowers but now it’s empty; I know why and it’s my fault. I clumsily knocked it over in a rush to get where I wanted to go. I tried to scoop what was left of the dirt and the flowers back into the pot, but they died and for many months nothing has grown back. After plenty of time, rain, and sunshine I noticed a green sprout shooting up through the dirt! I was so excited. Now everyday when I get home I anxiously approach the pot to see how the little seed is growing. I’m rooting for it, because deep down I AM the pot on the left. Be careful what you invest your heart in, I am thankful that God can restore any situation despite our failures and persistence to have things our way because we THINK we know what is best.

I wish I may I wish I might

After much consideration I have compiled my 2008 Christmas Wish List. *items stated within this document are eligible to be received prior to the actual Christmas holiday.
1. World Peace.!!
2. Tickets to NBA Thunder Game
3. a bubble pipe
4. strong hair like on those hair commercials where she breaks a bar in half with her hair.
5. a hat with ear flaps directly from Minnesota
6. a mold to make mini jello cats
7. all my dear friends to be in one place with me at the same time
8. a t-shirt that reads “david’s mom”
9. to know all the lyrics to every Beatles song.
10. breakfast in bed
11. a group of carolers to follow me around
12. guitar lessons
13. monopoly and friends willing to play it with me (dibs on the iron)
14. jedi mind powers with or without light saber.
15. a lifetime supply of V8 Splash Mango Juice.. yummers
16. dinner at Casablanca’s in OKC.
17. 1 min. just 1 min. (wink wink)
18. hot chocolate and ice skating at the outdoor rink in downtown OKC
19. the perfect snowman weather
20. a MaGooglie sighting
21. I wanna laugh so hard that my stomach hurts
22. an entire day to wander about the museum
23. fruit basket angel
24. an autographed picture of Asian Perry
25. a sweet mixed tape. Made with love.

I'm gonna make it mine

Driving home for a visit with my family always give me the opportunity to take a break from my own life and reconnect with.... well.. myself. it's selfishly my favorite part of my trip. i get to tune it turn off and enjoy the ride. i have the chance to ponder life's truly important questions such as: Does Kid Rock really sell his music and if so who buys it? Why are 'up with trees' signs made of wood? perhaps the most perplexing of all life's questions - are hooter's wings really THAT good? I did however learn a few things this weekend that i thought i'd share with you:

1- it is important to pay attention while doing laundry otherwise you will end up with pink EVERYTHING! I hate pink. hate it.

2- I've watched enough UFC and MMA fighting this weekend i now know how to properly apply the 'arm bar' and could if i was provoked.
3- guitar hero + Aerosmith= lamesauce
4- upon recently having your heart broken it is unwise to listen to Delilah's radio show. Because even if you normally approve of her catchy 'slow down and love someone' slogan you will find yourself wanting to do the exact opposite if only to spite her and the entire concept of Love itself. 5- ....farm livin' is the life for me land spread'n out so far and wide. it is truly a blessing to be able to see the stars at night.
6- i learned what "king tut'ing" it means and i almost king tut'd on myself when i found out. (thanks Sammi)
7- While pulling over on the side of the road to pick flowers be sure to check for snakes BEFORE stepping in the tall grass. thankfully snakes ARE more afraid of you then you are of them. which is good because i was almost at that 'peeing my pants' level of fright.
8- Smiling is my favorite... well sunshine too.. and trees. okay all are favorites. with all these new revelations i feel like it was a well spent weekend even though i don't think i'll ever get over #1... too traumatizing. On a side note let me just say this is truly the best year of my life!! i can't wait to see what the next three months have in store!!

Biscuit Explosion or Doughy jellyfish from outerspace

Lately i've been listening to a lot of John Denver. Mostly his live album and more specifically side C of the record. Did you even know that there is a sequel to "Annie's Song"? Me either... But I love it... Nay I NEED to listen to it on a daily basis now. It’s really reflective of where I am in my life right now in so many ways especially my relationship with God.*see lyrics at bottom-o-pageWith school starting and work really weighing on me i've allowed my spirit to become crushed. I've felt more like a zombie version of myself the last week or two... I deplore zombies. I look at my close friends and they too seem miserable in different aspects of their lives whether it's work, relationship problems (lack thereof), or facing the difficulty of being isolated in a distant place. Oh, how I hate it more than a mob full of zombies and their brain-eating ways. Stress sucks me in so fast that it's not until much later I realize that i've been bit and am walking around an empty hollow shell of my former self without concern for anyone else's life or problems. I've become so caught up in my search for brains (hang with me we're sticking to the zombie reference if it kills me.. ) that i've drug others down with me to the undead level; When I should be encouraging them in them in their time of need. Where did I go wrong? At what point in the last two weeks did I stumble into the Thriller video? I feel a flashback dance sequence coming on…. But that is for a later time. I think the root of the problem is that I’m not spending much time in The Word. I’ve sacrificed my quiet time for additional (definitely much needed) sleep. So I’m attempting to correct that now. Also, since classes have started I have no longer been able to attend my connection group. :( and I miss that candid interaction about God, His word, and most importantly how He is actively working in everyone’s lives. I feel isolated now. I’m so busy at work I don’t have time (in my mind) to interact with co-workers because I’ll get even more behind then I already am. Starting school again has really made me think. Why in the world am I back at school? The answer is simple- years from now I want to be able to say I accomplished something. I have discovered a disturbing pattern within my self that I hope to correct. I never complete things I find to be challenging, difficult, or hard work. It’s always been easier for me to give up.Piano, gymnastics, karate, dance- I did not want to practice. College- I was expected to do work and attend class (boring) Relationships- involve work and patience. With all of these things I have lacked the discipline to be successful.I’ve been in class for two weeks and on my first day I actually thought to myself “I’m going to get up and walk out” right in the middle of class. I was sick today didn’t go into work but I had my Tuesday night class. I had to make myself get up and drive to Edmond and even when I was within 15 feet of the Business building I stopped and considered going home. Why? Why do I do this to myself? Could it possibly be some sick subconscious form sabotage? It has to be. What if a relationship actually worked out? What if I graduated (I’m the first one in my family to even attend a college) college? With all this said I want you to know I’m scared. Absolutely terrified; I know what I want now and I’m setting goals that, Lord willing, I will meet. Please pray for me that God in His unlimited wisdom will strengthen me and steer me in the right direction. Annie's other song ----->(no really that's the title)"I'm bringing me home to you, that's all that I have to give,my life, my love, my everything, it's you I choose to be with.Had a wonderful time in the city, I smile when I recall.The space, the songs, the company, I really had a ball.It's a funny set of circumstances, sends me out on the road alone.With the moon looking over my shoulder, I'm finding my way back home.I'm bringing me home to you, that's all that I have to give.My life, my love, my everything, it's you I choose to be with.Riding high in the Rocky Mountains, they're quiet and peaceful times.I'd swear the stars are smiling like they know what's on my mind.You see, on any such an occasion, my thoughts will turn to you.The time I spend all by myself I mostly spend with you.I'm bringing me home to you, that's all that I have to give.My life, my love, my everything, it's you I choose to be with.When I lay down beside you, all the love that you show.I wanna live my life with you, it's all the dreams that I know.I'm bringing me home to you, that's all that I have to give.My life, my love, my everything, it's you I choose to be with,it's you I choose to be with, it's you I choose to be with, it's you I choose to be with."~~~Amanda

The Hamburger to my Helper

I love that we as humans are designed to be dependent on one another (to an extent). Whether we want to admit it or not, somewhere inside us, we are drawn to look to someone other than ourselves for strength, reassurance, comfort, affirmation, advice, and joy. It is clear to see this need that we have for others is just a smaller version of the need we have for God and His presence in our lives. I was walking in the mall (not a place that I typically go) and I saw a couple that caught my eye. They had to be in their mid to late fifties walking arm in arm. The woman reaches over and squeezed her husband butt! I about fell down in the middle of the store. I know that might creep a few of you out but it put a smile on my face for the rest of the day. The week before I saw an elderly couple; the man was helping his wife walk, slowly... …………….very slowly. He remained unwearied and allowed her to lean into his embrace so that she would be strong enough to make it to the car. It’s nice to know that you have someone to turn to whether it’s someone standing beside you to help you walk, encouraging comments or actions, or someone just simply being there during your hour of need. My grandmother passed away this weekend and I was in desperate need of christian comfort. Just knowing I had friends praying for my family and I was encouraging enough but I had a friend show up at the funeral and it melted my heart. Most of us don’t know what to do in situations where someone is troubled (myself included). We all have roles to fill and loving people is about doing what you can for them. So I wanted to thank each of you for the role you play in my life and most importantly my spiritual walk. Know that you encourage me on a daily basis. I find when I set my relationship with God aside I crave filling it with other things - mainly other relationships. Yet it is when my relationship with God is the strongest that I can truly be blessed by or be satisfied with the relationships that I have. This past month God has truly blessed me by enhancing old relationships and strengthening new ones.

A Spoonfull of Sweet-N-Low

April 10th, 2008

47% recycled blog:i stood there hoping the wind would pick up and i would be carried away over Oklahoma City on my old black umbrella with the red dragon handle, but the light flashed WALK and i begrudgingly crossed the street. No conversations with animated clouds or close encounters with birds. hello reality. Instead of being at work I wish it would rain all day long and that i could build a fort out of sheets in my living room and read for hours and hours by the glow of a flashlight pretending that my faux fireplace is bursting with precious flames.When i was in 4th grade i had a boy haircut. wait.. i looked like a boy and the haircut didn't help. For mother's day our teacher had us make profile portraits using black paper and an overhead projector (oh those were the days). Anyway... i forgot to put my name on mine as did another boy classmate and since our teacher could not tell the difference she made me and the other student leave the room while the class voted. The profile's were so similiar that not even our teacher could tell them apart (i'm telling you the haircut was bad). Had the project had more visible characteristics it would have been clear who I was. 14 years later i feel as if i'm reliving my 4th grade mother's day project all over again, except this time i don't have a hideous boy haircut (or my favorite gray racoons in the forest shirt, you know the one.. with the stripes) or black butcher paper. I feel I am caught in this awkward transition period of "adulthood" if you will. I know who I am but i don't feel like other can see it. haha or maybe they do see and they wish that they hadn't. OR maybe all my ramblings have screwed up what had the potential of being a decent metaphor (MET-A-FUR, for those of you who know randy) when the truth is i don't think anyone gets me for me.

The Power of Past Tense

i wish it would rain all day long and that i could build a fort out of sheets in my living room and read for hours and hours. i can’t think of a better way to spend my time. ;-) i have a pair of black flip flops that i just can’t give up. They’re wearing out but i’ve made such great memories in them i don’t want to throw them away. They’ve been to the mountains in ireland. I’ve got white paint splatters on them from working at Childhaven in Alabama. i’ve danced in the rain on Virginia Beach and nearly lost them in the wind. they’ve been to Wal-mart more times than i can count. sigh... but all good things must come to an end. So if i do retire them i shall place them in a proper spot- the Shoe Tree on Rt. 66. where every good sole is layed to rest. two very exciting tid-bits----> i’m leaving for Minnesota this Friday! and ... i re-enrolled at UCO, so i’ll be taking classes full time in the fall!!

Memories are like moonbeams- we do with them what we like

I love memories. i love unintentional memories the most. It's never the obvious that remind me of the things i miss deeply. It's not the sweatshirt that i wear at least once a week that reminds me of things that might have turned out differently but the Olive Garden and the Simpsons.Why is it that after a relationship is over the craziest things can trigger your memory.. for instance i can no longer look at Spinach the same. it use to be gross but now it looks kind of sad and under appreciated. Or the fact that a specific laundry detergent nearly brings tears to my eyes. it's true. lol. when i'm driving down a long highway and the stars are out it reminds me of sitting in the back seat of whatever crappy car my dad was driving at the time. Sammi and i would be in the back exhausted from a softball game or a trip to grandmas and i'd press my face to the window and lean as far as i could to see the stars. This continued the entire way home or until i fell asleep which ever happened first. I would look at those bright shining lights and just dream. all sorts of things... but mostly about aliens.In the spring time my mom would open the doors and all the windows in the house then she would put her Michael Bolton or Robert Palmer album in and clean the house with pinesol, my personal favorite, making the house smell as sunshiny fresh as it was outside. I remember the day i got my braces off. not neccessarily because i'd worn them for almost 4 years but because i was trying to impress somebody and ended up having a horrible (by horrible i mean... it was hilarious after the fact) go-cart accident.. suddenly getting my braces off that day didn't seem like such a big accomplishment in light of the fact that i racked myself so bad i could barely walk. lol. It's not the diamond ring that makes me remember my first serious relationship but rather john wayne card board cut-outs and hamburger helper. and looking at the clock reminds me that i've been here for 11 hours...that one was an obvious correlation. i'm out!Amanda

Confetti Confessions

well well well The new year has begun and i have made a ton of "secret" resolutions. i don't want to tell anyone i just want to work hard and have someone take notice of the difference. so be on the look out. This year is going to be big,really big! Things are going to happen and i'm looking forward to 2008. i'm actually interested in politics.. republican politics that is. I'm reading a really great book despite it being on Oprah's book club list.. make me gag, Oprah not the book, It's called "Breath, Eyes, Memory" by Edwidge Danticat. I would like to start painting, thanks be to my muse the Reginald. I would also like to have a robot cat. well.. i'd like a real cat but i can't have one in my building so a robot cat would be the next best thing. i don't have to worry about forgetting to feed it. I've nixed video games (except my janky japanese version of dance dance) and i'm going to boycott toilet paper..jk. that just wouldn't end pretty.